Paris Hilton

Today I took a nap, you know, one of those “I’m just going to close my eyes for five minutes” naps that actually mean “see you in another dimension.” And oh boy, my brain delivered. I had the weirdest dream…

So in this dream, I’m casually hanging out with Paris Hilton, as one does, in her mom’s bedroom. Apparently we had slept there. I’m trying to make the bed and clean up because Kathy Hilton is literally on her way home.

Then I notice… stains. On the sheets. Big ones. Weird ones. Suspicious ones. I’m rummaging through linen closets trying to find fresh sheets, and I’m asking Paris if she remembers someone telling us the stains were from last night. Because apparently in my subconscious, sheet stains come with continuity notes.

Then Kathy walks in. I just freeze and squeak out a very awkward “Hi!” And Kathy Hilton, in peak Kathy Hilton fashion, just goes, “Oh hi, person I don’t know in my room,” and walks right back out.

Meanwhile Paris has climbed back into the bed like nothing happened, like this is her natural habitat and I’m the unhinged one for trying to erase forensic evidence. As I’m continuing to put things back on the dressers, I notice one of the items is a Wicked Elphaba doll, which feels wildly out of place for reasons only my subconscious understands.

And then I woke up.

What does it all mean? I have no idea. Maybe it’s stress. Maybe it’s chaos brain. Maybe I miss the days of waking up in strangers beds. Maybe it’s symbolism about trying to clean up messes that weren’t yours. Or maybe it’s just my subconscious telling me I should never nap again because clearly the Hilton family and I need boundaries.